So much to say, but how? Suicide.

This was originally going to be an Anonymous Lady Confession. I didn’t feel comfortable opening up about it here on the blogverse. But then I stumbled on someone’s blog who was contemplating suicide. The blood rushed out of my head, my fingers felt numb and I felt that deep pit in my stomach again. The same feeling I felt the day I found out my cousin took his own life. 

Dexter was my age. We grew up together. I saw him more as a brother than I ever had anyone else. I’m an only child. An only child finds comfort in being best friends with their cousins. That’s exactly what I have done my whole life.

The Friday before, he stopped at my apartment to grab some lunch. I had been heckling him to come and visit me at school for awhile. “We can get lunch sometime!” I’d say every time we talked. The one time he decided to surprise me, I was in class. Not at home, with my phone, where I accidentally left it. I was in class the last time I could’ve saw him. 

But this was Dexter. He was adventurous and always looking to get a good reaction. This wasn’t the first time he had surprised me. For several years we had been attending the same high school. Our senior year he switched schools and it just so happened our graduation fell on the same day. Bummer right? I included him in our senior slideshow, and later that weekend we were having our graduation party together. So all in all we were celebrating together and the separation of the actual ceremony was ok.

Two or so hours of graduation speeches, music, and diplomas it was my row’s turn to leave. I stood up and looked ahead towards the back of the gym. There he was. Dressed in his all black cap and gown, quite the opposite to our royal blue. Graduation; something we had been looking forward to our entire school career, and there he was to walk the rest of the way out of the gym with me. It’s one of the best days I remember with him, and fortunately for me it’s one of many.

Kyla and Dexter

I don’t completely understand why he did it. I constantly ask myself if there’s something I could’ve done. I know the answer is no. But sometimes it still comes up. 

In life, he was the organizer, the adventure taker, the jokester, and the ladies man. He made everyone around him feel special. They always talk about certain people “when they walk into a room, everyone notices,” and this was him. He had a charm like no other and the biggest heart. 

To the fellow blogger who is considering taking their own life,

I hope this isn’t the path that you choose. You are loved, you are special, and you do have a purpose. I look back often and wish I would have been able to tell this to my loved ones that have passed this way… You have no idea right now how much you mean to everyone around you. At times you may feel down, lonely, hurt, and not worthy… but that doesn’t mean that’s the end. It only means you are human, just like all of us. I don’t even know you, and you’ve already touched my life. You are clear across the country from me, and I hope by all means, you chose to live. It will get better. Many hugs to you…

<3

Today, Dexter and I would have both been 25. Today I am 25, and he will forever be in my heart as 20… I miss & love him everyday.

If you or anyone you know is contemplating suicide don’t hesitate to call 1-800-273-TALK.

XO – Kyla

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57 Comments on “So much to say, but how? Suicide.”

  1. Sara
    September 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    Kyla, I hope you know just how amazing you are. I think about Dexter often and for as much as he meant to me I know that he meant all that much more to you. Seeing how strong you (and your Mom) were gave me strength and helped get me through. You are both admired and loved.

    • September 5, 2012 at 4:12 pm #

      Thanks Sara, the strength came in numbers and is still strong within the family… we are all very lucky to have such great friends and family, like you! :)

  2. September 5, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    Tears. I love you, Kyla.

  3. September 5, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    Heartbreaking yet beautifully written. Your love for your cousin is so visible. The pain of losing someone to suicide never really goes away, does it? It always feels so “unfinished”. Although not a family member, my best male friend took his own life at the end of our senior year in college. I still think of him as he was so many years ago. We would both be 40 this next birthday. Here is his story: http://mypajamadays.com/2011/07/01/time-cant-heal-all-wounds/

    • September 7, 2012 at 5:13 am #

      Just saw an error in my comment – I meant to say the end of freshman year in college…not that it matters…but…

  4. September 5, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    Great post. I’m not sure how you stumbled onto my blog, but I’m glad I found yours :)
    I too am a survivor, times 2. Not only my cousin but my dad as well. Thanks for what you wrote. It’s so true how they have no idea what they mean to the people around them.

    To anyone interested in my story, part of it can be found here:

    http://kmsmitty.wordpress.com/2012/02/15/8-years-later-and-choosing-happiness/

  5. September 5, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

    I wish I could say something that would be just what needs to be heard but since I don’t very glad that you did find encouraging words though they come from grieving to send this blog out! Its true that everyone touches another person whether you realize it or not. Sometimes it can be as small as a smile or a kind word at the right time to keep another going a little bit longer.
    Very sorry for your loss.

  6. September 6, 2012 at 4:11 am #

    My heart was touched by your words… Granny Gee

  7. noahregrets
    September 6, 2012 at 7:33 am #

    I am absolutely moved.

    • September 6, 2012 at 10:22 pm #

      That makes me feel like this post was the right decision. Thank you :)

  8. sheargeniousfashioneasta
    September 6, 2012 at 9:56 am #

    Suicide is the silent killer. Often many want to bring awareness to this topic, but with a lack of words it often gets untouched upon. I am so glad you were able to open up your heart and soul and get your message and story out there. Suicide is a very hard topic to discuss. It is even more difficult when a person has gone through this and lost a family member, friend, neighbor, co-worker etc. to suicide. But the message does need to get out there. People who are struggling with the terrible thoughts of committing suicide need to know there is help available, there is hope, they are not alone, and there is NOTHING in the world that is so bad that one has to take his or her own life over. Suicide will never solve a situation it will only add to the termoil for others to live with and deal with from the person that chose to give up his/her own life. There are people out there that care and love you. You may not know it, see it or feel it, but trust me, you are IMPORTANT. You have a purpose in life. You are beautiful, talented, creative, loving, and YOU are special. It is human nature to feel down in the dumps at times, or like we have no purpose or meaning in life. It is very easy for us to let society or life in general take a hold and make us feel like we are forgotten and stuck on the back burner. We may let someone’s words shoot us down to where we have no self-esteem left, or we may have done some things in life that we are not so proud of, and feel that suicide is the only way out. But we need to remember: Everyone in life is special, We all make mistakes, but we can be forgiven. We also can learn from our mistakes and become better individuals. We need to be strong and face the world with heads held high and a smile on your face. NEVER let anyone get the best of you. SUICIDE is not the way out. You only live once, you only get one chance at life..Never let anyone take that from you. You are a miracle and a wonderful gift from God and he will and can help us through any of life’s obstacles. There is hope, there is a better way and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a fantastic life that awaits you, don’t waste it on Suicide. Take one day at a time and live, laugh and love.

  9. September 6, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    I’m sorry you lost someone you cared so much for. But I do think it’s beautiful that you’re reaching out to someone you don’t even know and sharing your story, even though it’s a difficult topic to write about. I hope they choose to keep living too.

    • September 6, 2012 at 10:21 pm #

      Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by, I hope they do too

  10. September 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

    This is a very special, beautiful post. Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and difficult to speak about.

  11. tammyheff
    September 7, 2012 at 3:33 am #

    A wonderful post, hopefully your words impacted more than the one blogger to whom it was addressed. Glad that you stopped by my blog, it gave me an opportunity to find yours. Sorry for the loss of your cousin — so holes in our hearts never heal.
    Tammy

  12. September 8, 2012 at 9:38 am #

    I too am glad you found my blog so that I could read yours! Thank you for opening up…suicide leaves the rest of us feeling just helpless to help. We would have helped had we known, or had we known how. Lost my sister to suicide when I was 30. I am very sorry for your loss, and loved hearing your remembrances that made me smile.

  13. September 10, 2012 at 5:04 am #

    Last year in January, the in February, then in March, and finally – thank YHWH – finally it came to an end in April the same thoughts occurred each of those months. “YHWH, if you don’t come through for me now, there’s no point in living. I need an answer today. TODAY!” It IS possible for a believer in YHWH and his son Yashua’ to feel you can’t go on. Especially if you believe you ought to be doing something that, say, the leaders in your congregation believe you should shelve. I was dying on the inside. The proverbist said, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” He also said, “But a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Since that terrible time last year I made a choice: to live. And so I relocated to Zambia where I now train indigent farmers. YHWH has fattened my heart with good things. He has filled my heart with singing. Awe….some! (hope you don’t mind me being so personal, but there are a lot of folk out there wanting to die.)

  14. dianewoodrow
    September 11, 2012 at 2:51 am #

    Thanks Kyla. Our friend who committed suicide sounds very like Dexter, lovely, well liked, made a place feel special. We miss him loads too. Like everyone else has said I don’t think the pain does ever go away because it does leave that helpless feeling and questions of Why. Thanks for sharing X

  15. September 15, 2012 at 6:30 am #

    I have had two of my children’s friends end their life, one was so close to me that it felt like I lost my son. Two members of my family attempted but did not go through with it, they called out to someone and they were there. One is still in therapy, all so hard to understand. But loving and supporting your cousin, all through those years were the special moments that carried him as far as he went. I hope you feel his presence or have something otherworldly touching you on the shoulder, giving you hugs for that.

    Thank you for the reaching out and following me, also.

  16. September 18, 2012 at 6:18 pm #

    Touching story. So sad about your cousin . Maybe you’re story will help someone else !

  17. September 28, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    What a great essay! So sorry for your loss. I had siblings, but our cousins and we grew up together–an age-mate for each of us. Depression is such a difficult state of being but there is a way up and out of almost any situation. Yes, call someone; and if you don’t have someone, call the hotline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

  18. October 4, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

    You were a wonderful cousin and friend to Dexter. May the good memories you have sustain you until you meet again.

  19. October 5, 2012 at 5:33 am #

    So sorry about your cousin.

  20. October 5, 2012 at 9:00 am #

    <3

  21. October 5, 2012 at 10:51 am #

    Lovely words, beautifully spoken. It is so true that suicide leaves behind a multitude of people who are broken from the loss. Cherish the good memories, and bravo to you for sharing your story to reach out to the stranger who’s story touched your heart. May that person hear your tale and may it touch her heart in return.

  22. October 5, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

    I had a lot to say about suicide from both sides of the issue if you would like to take a look. http://liquidmind.net/theartistryofthebipolarbrain/?p=727 [My blog is moving.]

    I do think that you did a wonderful job supporting your cousin. I have had more than one person attempt suicide in my life and am aware that you cannot do anything for them until they reach out and *ask for help*. I am sorry for your loss.

    • October 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

      Just took a look at your blog, and I want to say thank you for sharing. Take my post as a message to you too. You keep asking for help, which is a sure sign you want things to get better, keep it up and never be ashamed to keep asking… :) Hugs to you, xo- Kyla

  23. October 5, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    Thank you for this post. It was very on time for me. You have no idea.

    • October 10, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

      <3 I hope with whatever it is you are going through you found a virtual hug here :)

  24. Being June
    October 9, 2012 at 8:10 am #

    Thank you for stopping by my blog and leading me here. You said you felt uncomfortable at first, and I completely get that, but I’m so glad you decided to speak out anyway. It’s the people who’ve lived through a crisis like this that have the most to offer. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I admire your strength.

  25. October 9, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    So sorry for you and him. It’s heartbreaking to think or wish you could have done more, or to realize someone was suffering more than you knew.

  26. October 9, 2012 at 1:09 pm #

    First of all, thank you for stopping by my blog. More importantly, tho – I am so, so sorry for your incredible loss and pain. I do not pretend to have any idea how deep it goes. Just know that your words may save someone else from the pain that you have experienced. :)

  27. October 9, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

    sad and speechless, blessings and light

  28. October 9, 2012 at 11:47 pm #

    I’ve contemplated,planned, and basically failed at suicide. It was one of the big turning points in my life and helped me see that I really needed the help that I’m receiving today. It’s never easy, and it’s never going to be completely gone, as each day is a battle, but this is why I have been blogging about depression. There are too many that have gotten to the point I reached, and I want them to know that they are not alone.

  29. October 10, 2012 at 2:39 pm #

    I just had a conversation with my aunt about the philosophy of life and how the endless questions on the ‘purpose’ of humanity can lead to a very dark road. I subtly raised the topic of suicide, as the other night I was more or less physically stopped by my boyfriend from trying to commit suicide. I was still struggling with the urge but between what she had to say and what I’ve read here I don’t think I could try again soon.
    I love my family so much and the thought of doing that to my brother especially, makes me hurt very much inside. If nothing else would keep me here it’s the thought of leaving that pain behind for my family to deal with.

    • October 10, 2012 at 2:48 pm #

      You have no idea how much you mean to everyone… and it’s the important people in your life, your boyfriend, your aunt, and your brother that can pull you from the darkness and show you that your life is so much better because they love you and you love them. if you ever need someone to talk to you, you know where to find me. <3 and thanks for sharing your story.

  30. October 12, 2012 at 5:42 am #

    Thank you for visiting my blog, but moreso, thank you for opening my eyes to yours. This is by far the best blog I’ve been redirected to since I began mine a month ago. This particular topic has been a blessing for me. I’ve had three relatives commit suicide, including my father, and I have had 2 attempts in my own history, as well as ongoing depression that keeps the thought in my mind (not willingly). Reading posts like this, as well as the comments, has brought me out of my funk just this morning. I am a Christian woman, and I know all the reasons NOT to commit suicide, but when you’re “there”, in that “mode”, nothing makes sense and you are not rationally thinking. A suicidal person can only feel their pain and they act out of desperation to be pain free. I’ve learned to redirect my thoughts to God, and it works for me… but not always. I also have a good support system of friends and family, even my physician.
    Anyway, thank you, and you’ve found yourself another “fan” in me.

  31. October 15, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

    Oh, this is such a moving post. I hope your blog friend is still blogging, and finding strength.

  32. October 15, 2012 at 11:24 pm #

    Kyla, I´m so sorry. Lost my aunt that way. Does it still bring tears to your eyes thinking about it?
    I loved reading your post. It moved me a lot. It brought up a lot of memories, too, but that´s ok, I reckon.

  33. onelifenow
    October 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm #

    This is heartbreaking. My father, uncle and a friend took their own lives. I know well the pain of it. I am so sorry to hear that you also felt it.

  34. October 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm #

    Amazing strength and courage you have to share your story. Tears are flowing from eyes. I hope anyone who is seeking help can find your post…much love

  35. October 16, 2012 at 4:47 pm #

    Thank you for posting this – it must have been kismet that brought you to visit my site today. I have another blog, and I just posted something over the weekend where I have had problems in my relationship due to suicide attempts… Far too many times, my significant other would come home and find me unconscious. He tired of this and finally sent me away… he could not take the pain of possibly being the one to find me dead one day.

    I am trying to work through so many issues with how I feel about myself… I found your post to be very poignant and heartfelt. I wish your cousin were still here.

    Thank you again for sharing.

    Always,
    Me

  36. October 16, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

    I am sorry to hear this happened and hope that you can continue to find some comfort in having good memories. This post will help so many other people.

  37. October 16, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    “You have no idea right now how much you mean to everyone around you. At times you may feel down, lonely, hurt, and not worthy… but that doesn’t mean that’s the end. It only means you are human, just like all of us”

    Suicide is a tragedy for everyone and there seem to be so many situations in life that bring people like Dexter to an all time low. I know it’s tough being down there, really tough. But just like the seasons change, situations change too, things can and do get better. It might take a while, professional help might be needed, but I implore anyone thinking of suicide to please think again. Death soothes away one’s own problems but it stops everything that could’ve been good too.

  38. October 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    Kyla I applaud you for your courage in sharing a very personal story. I thank you for pushing aside your uncomfortable feelings all in the hopes of helping someone. I am sorry for the lost that you and your family have had to experience due to suicide. Know that no one can ever take away the good memories you have stored in your heart and mind

    It may be hard for those who have never seriously contemplated suicide to understand what would drive a person to take their own life. As I have been sitting here on my computer watching the news I heard the tragic story of of a young girl that hung herself because of bullying. She had made the mistake of taking off her shirt and allowing a predator to take a picture of her while on line.

    He posted it for the world to see… all of this plus much more lead her to take her life. Sadly some of the bully’s (after failed attempts to take her life) wrote more hateful things.

    The young girl was hopeless. She saw no other way out. How sad that no one reached out to help her make it through this tough time in her life.

    I’ve been there, I attempted three times to take my life. The third time was almost the charm. I ended up in the hospital with them pumping my stomach. As a young girl and even into my young adult life I was plagued with thoughts of suicide. I am thankful to be on the other side.

    I want to share a poem I wrote – I’ll place it here. I’m not sure whether you would want the link which also has a few of my other poems.

    http://www.naturalresources-wt.com/mypoems.html?unique=13505051544984919#PastPresentFuture

    Past Present Future

    It happened, it’s real
    what do I do with this desire to kill.
    I was trusting, I had to obey.
    Good little girls always acted that way.

    Why me, why did I get chosen for this lot in life.
    No one wants damaged goods for a wife.

    This is what I was told, this is what I believed.

    Into my fragile mind the thoughts of suicide began to be weaved.
    You try to fit in maybe no one will know.
    But deeper and deeper inside your mind you go.
    Many times you feel so misunderstood,
    you wish you could shout from the roof tops,

    “Help me my Daddy’s no good!”
    But you can’t hurt your Mom
    what would everyone say.
    No one will believe you anyway.

    But you’re wrong it happened, it’s real.
    Only you must forgive not kill.
    I want you to trust that someone does care.
    And yes Jesus still answers prayer.

    Find someone that you can talk to.
    This should not be happening to you.
    I’m here if you need me, I’m willing to listen.

    I went through it too, and I’m on a mission.
    I want to tell ever boy and every girl
    you don’t have to stay trapped in that ugly painful world.

    It happened, it’s real, and it’s going on still.
    Let’s put a stop to it, because it has a name.
    It’s called sexual abuse, it’s wicked and profane.

    Let’s educate our babies, empower them to say No!
    Protect them from predators, even ones they know.
    I want to smile and not cry,
    Knowing that another little girl won’t have to lie.

    I want her to be strong.
    To live knowing she belongs.

    It does get better,
    I’m here to say.
    I grow stronger each and everyday.

    Written 6-18-06

    Thank you for letting me share. And thank you for liking Vitamin F.

  39. October 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

    I’ve had several friends commit suicide and I always wondered if I could have done more than just listen. Listening is just the first step. Both Kyla and Treasure Hunter have valuable information to share. Thanks to both of you.

  40. October 18, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I admire your courage in writing about this very difficult topic. I recently attended a funeral for a young person who took his own life. His family . and friends literally cried enough to create a river of tears and all I could think of was “if only he could have seen this before he made that fateful decision he wouldn’t have done it”. The pain never goes away for those who are left behind……

  41. October 23, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

    I’ve contemplated suicide before and everytime I think of the people that are hurting me at THAT moment and I realize they’d miss me if I go through with my selfish act (because suicide is selfish, he hurts those around us). Than I think of the pain I feel because of the situation and I realize it’s TEMPORARY.
    No, I cant justify suicide, or stop the feelings I get, but I do realize that suicide is a selfish act that affects more than the person who decides that for themselves.
    I’ve personally never known anyone to commit suicide and I can only imagine the pain and “what if’s” one feels towrds the situation, but what I do know is that life gets hard, people say things they don’t mean, and stuff is going to happen that we don’t like (life is beyond our control, that is why it is not fair). Rather than succumb to our weaknesses, we should rise above them and show the world that we can conquer and know that suicide is giving in and none of us are quitters!
    Literally, life is too short to waste and I always say, “We’re all bound to die one day, so live everyday as if it were your last.” Don’t put limitations on what you can do or be because who knows when God’s going to take you away.
    Life is a funny thing and to those who are taking it one smile at a time, I applaud you. And to those who have stopped smiling, thanks for watching over me and saving me from becoming an angel.
    sincerely, runninfromsumthin

  42. November 7, 2012 at 10:06 am #

    Thank you for this, so important to address since so many of us I think really do consider these drastic measures and it’s nice to have an open dialogue about it

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