This was originally going to be an Anonymous Lady Confession. I didn’t feel comfortable opening up about it here on the blogverse. But then I stumbled on someone’s blog who was contemplating suicide. The blood rushed out of my head, my fingers felt numb and I felt that deep pit in my stomach again. The same feeling I felt the day I found out my cousin took his own life.
Dexter was my age. We grew up together. I saw him more as a brother than I ever had anyone else. I’m an only child. An only child finds comfort in being best friends with their cousins. That’s exactly what I have done my whole life.
The Friday before, he stopped at my apartment to grab some lunch. I had been heckling him to come and visit me at school for awhile. “We can get lunch sometime!” I’d say every time we talked. The one time he decided to surprise me, I was in class. Not at home, with my phone, where I accidentally left it. I was in class the last time I could’ve saw him.
But this was Dexter. He was adventurous and always looking to get a good reaction. This wasn’t the first time he had surprised me. For several years we had been attending the same high school. Our senior year he switched schools and it just so happened our graduation fell on the same day. Bummer right? I included him in our senior slideshow, and later that weekend we were having our graduation party together. So all in all we were celebrating together and the separation of the actual ceremony was ok.
Two or so hours of graduation speeches, music, and diplomas it was my row’s turn to leave. I stood up and looked ahead towards the back of the gym. There he was. Dressed in his all black cap and gown, quite the opposite to our royal blue. Graduation; something we had been looking forward to our entire school career, and there he was to walk the rest of the way out of the gym with me. It’s one of the best days I remember with him, and fortunately for me it’s one of many.
I don’t completely understand why he did it. I constantly ask myself if there’s something I could’ve done. I know the answer is no. But sometimes it still comes up.
In life, he was the organizer, the adventure taker, the jokester, and the ladies man. He made everyone around him feel special. They always talk about certain people “when they walk into a room, everyone notices,” and this was him. He had a charm like no other and the biggest heart.
To the fellow blogger who is considering taking their own life,
I hope this isn’t the path that you choose. You are loved, you are special, and you do have a purpose. I look back often and wish I would have been able to tell this to my loved ones that have passed this way… You have no idea right now how much you mean to everyone around you. At times you may feel down, lonely, hurt, and not worthy… but that doesn’t mean that’s the end. It only means you are human, just like all of us. I don’t even know you, and you’ve already touched my life. You are clear across the country from me, and I hope by all means, you chose to live. It will get better. Many hugs to you…
Today, Dexter and I would have both been 25. Today I am 25, and he will forever be in my heart as 20… I miss & love him everyday.
If you or anyone you know is contemplating suicide don’t hesitate to call 1-800-273-TALK.
XO – Kyla