Lady Check Up: “Frog Open!”

Lady visits…

I wait the long wait, nothing covering my lower half but a tissue paper-like “blanket.” As I sit on the bed-like thing, my butt is sticking to other paper-like “tissue” I’m sitting on. I’m already uncomfortable. I’ve never been to this doctor before, never met her, nothing, and she’s about to get up all in my vagina and she is indeed, a complete stranger. I hear the clipboard taken out of the pocket on the side of the door and she swoops in. “Hello!” If there was a lady who loved her job, even if it was looking at croches all day, she was the lady. I slide down, paper below my butt sticking as I slide. Awkward still? Yes.  “Alright, I’m just going to apply these two fingers”… and, woop, there they go, they’re in. As I’m staring at the stupid duck photo on the ceiling, trying to relax, a loud voice echoes throughout the room, “PICK UP! PICK UP!” Just then my newly known very energetic doctor peers up above my legs and says “That’s your vagina talking!” Then proceeds to go back, not a another word. It was indeed her cell phone going off in her lab jacket. What else could I do but laugh. I laugh and laugh and laugh… all the while she is still feeling around my cervix… 

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One time I stupidly agreed to allow a gyno-in-training to accompany my actual doctor in the exam room. I thought, “hey, everybody needs to learn. Why not volunteer to help the doctors of tomorrow?”…. Bad idea.  I thought the guy would just be watching and learning. No, this was a hands-on training for the young pup.

So, as all women probably know, it is already uncomfortable enough to have a man, whom you only see (hopefully) once a year, stick two gloved fingers in your va-jay-jay. Now imagine having a another person standing there in line waiting for his turn! Ick. Ick. Ick. So, I just laid there the whole time with my eyes clinched shut, holding my breath, and praying for it to be over.

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“Slide down a little further”…..”a little further”…..”okay, one more scooch”….

Yes, I am the woman the doctor always has to coach to get into “position”. Hey – I am a shy slider, so what! The further down I slide on the table, the more I die a little inside…

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For my very first pelvic exam, I had a male doctor. Simply put, I was not enthused about it. I knew going in that it would be a man, so at least I was able to prepare myself for what was SURE to be a super awkward situation for me. HOWEVER, turns out, not really that awkward at all. I didn’t start the exam legs-spread on the table, which I think helped. He introduced himself to me while I was still fully-dressed and THEN had me hop into the stirrups. He talked me through the whole thing in a soothing voice without trying to make any jokes, which, to be honest, I find a little unsettling. This is serious business, so let’s just be clinical and get it over with! So thank you .

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Categories: Ladies Confess, Spill It: Confessions, Welcome!

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2 Comments on “Lady Check Up: “Frog Open!””

  1. sheargreniousfashioneasta
    May 3, 2012 at 12:49 pm #

    O yes,one of the wonderful moments that remind us we are ladies. My doctor back home in indiana always used the term frog open too! I hate wearing the paper vest:opened in the front of course.I dislike sitting in a cold room waiting for the doc.to come in…35min
    Later or longer. There I sit naked..covered only by a thin poece of tissue paper..feeling like a gift about to be wrapped.a bow would cover more of me than that tiny piece of paper,they call a gown! Then I am left on a puddle of goo and nothing. to. clean up with after the exam!

    .

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